Anna

"Just until the recent past couple of years have I been comfortable and confident in my own body.

Teasing, stares whispers, assumptions.

Freshman year of high school, I went to high school in ABQ at this time. And during one of my classes, I got called into the nurse's office. The nurse brought me into a room and started questioning me. “Did you eat breakfast this morning?” “Do you eat healthy?” “What are you planning on eating for lunch?” I answered all of these for her confused. Wondering why she was asking these questions. Then once she was out of questions she explained that one of my teachers was concerned about my weight. I was so embarrassed and thought that the whole school that I had a problem. I explained to the nurse that my doctor was i am healthy and that my mother was this thin when she was young and my father that it is genetics. She let me go back to class. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I cried. I was also angry and wanted to know which teacher had reported me. I was really close to my Spanish teacher, and I had told her what happened in the nurse's office and if she could figure out which teacher reported me. She found out and told me it was my English Honors teacher Mr. Tolley, the soccer coach. I told my parents what happened in the nurse's office that day and told them that I was trying to figure out who reported me. My parents were also upset. And wondering if there was a true concern why didn’t the school go to them instead of a 15 year old girl. My Dad called and complained to the principle for not going about this the right way. Once we found out that it was my English teacher who also had a strict rule about no eating in class. My dad told me to start taking snacks into his class. Kind of like a big “FUCK YOU” to Mr. Tolley.

Clothes were also a little too big. I was obsessed with gaining weight, with what that silly number is on the scale. I tried weight gaining diets. I would constantly eat. Up until sophomore year in high school I wore youth size 12 jeans. Most things I wore were too baggy and didn’t fit right on me. I never felt sexy or womanly. I didn’t have “curves” or noticeably big breasts.

I have heard things such as, “Damn you’re skinny.” “Put some meat on your bones.” “Eat something” “You have a boyish figure.”

I used to not wear anything that would reveal my bodily shape. I didn’t like wearing shorts because it would show off my skinny legs. I would wear tight fitted t-shirts or skinny jeans for awhile because I didn’t want to look thin.

My story might be different because I am on the other end of the spectrum. But it is still valid. I still wanted to change my body based on what others were saying and how they looked at me. And that is what we are talking about today. The relationship that you have had with your body over the years and if you have reached the stage of friendship with your body. And I am proud to say that over the years at age 22 I am now finally friends with my own body."

Alie

"From a young age my goal in life was to please everyone, not cause any problems, and to be good. I didn’t realize that in doing this, no one ever worried about me and what was going on in my life because I could do no wrong. I was riddled with anxiety at a very young age trying to make sure everyone was always okay and happy, even though I wasn’t. I was very insecure growing up, I was always pudgy and a tomboy. Boys never looked at me and I was always friends with the “weirdos”. In middle school I had a new goal in life and that was to be invisible. I felt fat, ugly, and anxious all the time. In middle school, I started restricting my food intake by not eating breakfast, throwing away my lunch right when I got to school, and always leaving food on my plate at dinner saying I was full. I started to lose weight, people started to notice, which only led me to wanting to do it more. I felt in control, I felt like I was getting attention from my parents and boys, but I was always insecure, anxious, and now…severely depressed. This lasted through high school on and off, but the depression and insecurity never left.

Fast-forward…I went off to college, went for teaching which I always wanted to do. I got into an accelerated program, I felt proud. I lived in a co-ed dorm. I still felt like a fat ugly duckling. The first weekend in dorm life, I went out with a group of girls and they started drinking and then so did I. I got drunk that night – and I LOVED IT. I’ve never been so happy and felt sexier – I remember just looking in the mirror laughing and smiling. For a moment, I felt no anxiety, no insecurities. I met a piece of shit boy, my first time having sex I was raped – half conscious just saying “Ow ow, stop stop stop” – but I stayed with him the rest of the year, because my insecure self thought it was as good as I could get. I was abused emotionally, physically and sexually. I continued drinking. It’s all I thought about and all that made me happy. He fed my addiction, and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. During this time I was still restricting and starving myself. I withdrew after my third semester because I was failing. I was going to class drunk and blacking out four days a week and drinking six days a week. I hate being alone – I felt so depressed and worthless. I didn’t want to go home, but it was the only option I had – otherwise I was going to kill myself. I started therapy a month after I came home. I wasn’t sleeping and staying up all night still getting drunk stealing my parents’ alcohol. My therapist finally told me either I quit drinking or we were done. I got on two medications for anxiety and depression, and started going to AA meetings. My mom and dad have never truly acknowledged my alcoholism. I relapsed three times; trying to convince myself it wasn’t a problem. I got sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning and got thrown out of a club passed out on a dirty sidewalk in San Francisco. In that moment, I hit rock bottom. It was either quit or I die. I chose to work my ass off and live. I did therapy and continued AA. I have been sober for three years, I feel confident in the woman I’ve become. I feel strong, I feel healthy, and I feel beautiful. I got a therapy dog named Lola who has saved my life. She has been there and loved my through my darkest times. I don’t talk about this part of my life with anyone; I want people to know me for who I am now, not for who I was in the darkest times. I still deal with PTSD but I am able to understand it and am compassionate to myself these days and be proud of who I have become. I would never go back and re-live it, but I would never take it back, because it all made me who I am today – I am happy, and confident, and I never thought I could feel that way three years ago. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and excited to see what new twist and turns life will throw at me next because I can handle it."

Rachel

"One of the biggest blessings in my life, and equally one of the biggest challenges has been growing up with a twin sister. Whenever you think of identical twin sisters you thing of two girls with matching clothes, laughing and giggling while they hold hands and walk together. Though that was partially true, there were other challenges that developed from growing up alongside someone that everyone always compared you to. Jealousy, anxiety, competition, the need to be better or at least just as good as my sister. You wouldn’t think that now if you saw us together; matching forearm tattoos and all smiles when were together. It wasn’t always like that. I remember when my sister first got her period. She was so excited and thrilled at the idea that she was starting to become a woman; along with that came her more womanly figure and attitude. I was completely terrified and jealous. Why hadn’t I gotten my period yet? Why wasn’t I getting boobs? Why was she growing taller and getting attention from guys? All this at the age or thirteen I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why I felt embarrassed and jealous. I realize now that because of my tomboy nature and active lifestyle, nobody even guessed that this would’ve been upsetting for me and begin the train of my insecure thoughts brought on by being a twin. Finally, almost a year and a half later, I began my period. Definitely not as exciting of a thing that I had built it up to be. Along with the awakening of my uterus, came the awakening of a disease. When I was sixteen, the first symptoms of endometriosis started rearing its ugly head. Extreme pain, fainting, bloody noses, migraines and fatigue were just the beginning of a problem that I still find hard to control today. I was difficult watching my sister enjoying life and flowing easy (pun intended) through her periods and overall female health. Why couldn’t I be like that? The things I loved to do slowly started leaving the picture. It’s extremely hard to be active and happy at the same time when you know that extreme cramps or nausea could engulf you at any second. That started a new train of insecurities surrounding my ability to enjoy that things that made me happy, like hiking and skiing. Everything was a competition with my sister in our teen years. How we looked, how good we did in school, our creativity, our relationships…. Everything. It got to the point that I started to disdain being a twin. Everyone compared us to each other to the point where we lost our identity as individuals trying so hard to be like each other. Being a twin could’ve been the ultimate tool in female empowerment and encouragement, but instead, we walked a thin line and broke each other down. Enough was enough, I was tired of letting the comparisons control me and the most important relationship in my life. Slowly but surely, I regained my best friend again. Over the following years, we learned how to be our own women, to embrace our similarities and celebrate the differences. Yes, we accidentally got our noses pierced on the same side. But we also like to dress the same sometimes when we go out. Yes, sometimes we have fought over the same guy. But we always encourage each other in our relationships. She has encouraged me and cried with me during my battle with endometriosis and  I am learning to love the fact that this is my body. I’m so proud of my sister and the woman she has become. I’m proud of our individual accomplishments and also proud of what we’ve done together."  

Brittany

I grew up with bad cramps and headaches and was told to get on birth control to control and monitor the cramps, which actually created more cysts and headaches. For a couple weeks, I started a stronger medication for the headaches, which didn’t work in the end. Once I finally got the headaches under control, I went on Depo, which was good for a while but I stopped because of the bad side effects. Then, I was back to square one, plus I gained about 15 pounds. Now I live with this and am unable to manage it. I’m self-conscious even though I know I shouldn’t be.

Lauren

"When I was 18, my boyfriend was living in Montana and I was going to school in Alaska. I went to visit him for a week and we spent the time camping, hiking, and visiting Glacier and Yellowstone – it was an amazing trip. A few weeks after I got back to Alaska, I got really sick and when I was admitted to the ER, I was diagnosed with bacterial meningitis. When the doctors were asking me questions about my health to figure out how I got it. They asked my about my recent travels to Montana, because lime disease from ticks can make you more prone to meningitis – but I didn’t have any ticks the entire trip. Another issue that can make people more susceptible is herpes. I’ll take this moment to say that I was a virgin because I was in a long distance relationship with a Catholic guy (something I never saw coming). But that doesn’t mean I hadn’t done other stuff, like giving my boyfriend a blow job 3 weeks prior to this ER visit…So, in the ER, with my mother, the doctor asks me if there’s any chance if I have herpes (and sexually active) and my mom immediately said “no”. Despite being on pretty heavy medication at this point, this was such a painful moment. I was quiet for a minute and then admitted that I guess there was a chance I had it. The doctor left the room to do more test and my mom asked me how this possibility came to be. I told her how I had performed oral sex on my boyfriend. There was another long pause and she replied, “It’s kind of fun, isn’t it?” She had wanted to be sure she was supportive of my healthy sexual experiences.

Guess what? Since then, I’ve had sex! So I’m currently on Implanon, an inner arm device that lasts 3 years. Both before and after going on it, I’ve had really irregular periods so sometimes I’ll have a period for three months or a week. Sometimes I’ll have one for two days and then it’ll start again a week later. I’ve been told I’d have to go on a birth control with larger amounts of hormones order to regulate it. Wanting to avoid the side effects that go along with that – especially since I have a high risk of breast cancer – I just cope with the surprise visits of Aunt Flo. Along with weird underwear stains and not being able to wear what I want, I also feel smelly or dirty, I make excuses not to have sex or go out and it affects my mood, my skin, my eating habits, everything. Often times it seems there’s no winning despite the choices we have, but this is why it’s so important to discuss, educate others, learn and share stories.

Devon

I have felt like I’ve been in a sort of ‘battle’ with my body, especially over the last two years. Since I returned to school, I have gained quite a bit of weight and haven’t felt comfortable in my own skin in quite some time. I have a hard time believing someone when they say, “you look great”, especially my boyfriend, Jake. When he compliments my body, my response is typically and eye roll, rather than a “thank you”. It is something that I know is self-harm in a way…but I am just not at peace with the way I look. From depriving myself of food that I like to pushing myself to my physical limits during exercise. I feel like I am always trying to “fix” something about my body. It all seems really messed when I think about it…because I love the body positivity movement that has become more prevalent over the last few years. I am one hundred percent supportive of women loving their bodies, but I don’t love mine. I am constantly wishing I was skinnier, but even at my thinnest, I was never traditionally “skinny”. It’s just not the way I’m built. Coming to terms with my body and learning to love it is one of my biggest goals moving forward.